Life in the Gray Area: Engaging With Nuance

Life in the gray area: Engaging with nuance

In my pursuit of being a decent thinker, I’ve found a funny pattern: I always assume my ideas are correct from the get-go. I mean, come on, I’m super smart. My own brain, which also tells me I’m an idiot, told me so. My brain would never lie to me.

One belief I’ve held onto for almost twenty years is that a “real” photographer doesn’t alter what their camera produces. They just take badass shots that come out beautifully without fail. “Perfect.” However, the more I learn about photography, the more apparent it becomes that perfect photos don’t often happen in the field. I want them to. I pursue them. I get frustrated when the images don’t look as dramatic as I’d hoped.

Luckily, I’ve run into something that disproves my initial uninformed ideas:

Ansel Adams edited the fuck outta his images. He just did it in the darkroom, without Photoshop. While it may have taken longer, and required more effort, it doesn’t change the fact that his final images were not identical to what the camera captured. Was he, like, not a real photographer?

Alternatively:

Maybe that perception I’ve held for so long isn’t helpful.

Maybe some other ideas I’ve got are wrong.

Maybe that’s worth exploring.

Encountering Complexity

What should I be when I grow up?

We’ve all considered that one. When you’re young, it’s an easy question. You might want to be a pilot because it sounds fun to fly.

Then, as you grow, more people enter your life. Perhaps a spouse, or kids, or a tight circle of friends. Being a pilot impacts a network of individuals now, instead of just you. What sort of time commitment can you handle? How long can you be away from family? Can you deal with changing time zones? And maybe you learn later, like I did, that you’re absolutely fucking terrified of heights. Being a pilot’s off the table. Things got complicated pretty quick!

Most of our decisions are more complex than we want them to be.

Complex decisions are complex because of unpredictable variables.

As a general rule, our brains hate both variables and unpredictability.

How can the little meat computers in our heads make predictions about the future with all this mystery?

-We prefer easy answers and labels. They lighten our cognitive load.

Our brains often default to a two-step process when making decisions:

Step one: Identify the easiest answer.

Step two: Done. Thank Gawd, that was easy.

Usually, you’ll take a hint from people you’re close to. You’ll look at their actions and opinions, and use that info to make a call. If there’s a label to use here, all the better. With a label applied, we don’t need to struggle through all the math and philosophy of life. Whenever we can make a situation simpler with labels, we jump at the chance. They immediately tell us what something (or someone) is. If your friend hates a certain thing, you’ll label it “bad.” If your friend loves a certain Netflix production, you’ll be more likely to watch it. It’s gotta be “good.” After all, you’re friends. You wouldn’t be friends with someone who has bad taste!

Our surroundings have a huge impact on what labels we use:

-Fun or boring

-Cool or dumb

-Hero vs villain

-Delicious vs gross

Speaking of labels:

-Easy answers and labels outsource our analysis. It frees up time and brain power, but makes us less free.

Bad things are avoided. Good things are embraced. Hard tasks are ignored. Easy tasks give us a completed checklist. This makes for quick and easy choices.

The sketchy part of these easy answers, though, is that we’re handing over some of our power. Without engaging in the scary part (long periods of thought), the only way to reach a conclusion is to outsource that mental labor. If you outsource it to your friends, family, or Instagram feed, do you know where their conclusions came from? You’ve been outsourcing this process your whole life. So have I. We’re all doing it, all the time, because it makes life easier.

Having all of your decisions made by other people doesn’t sound cool. No one likes the idea when presented in the simplest terms.

We’re all letting others make our decisions to some degree. The important work is in determining which areas to reclaim. You can’t do it all. Where will you spend your time thinking, so that you can come to your own conclusions?

-Duality thinking and its discontents

Another example of easy answers: duality thinking. Two options. Our politics in the United States is a prime example of this phenomenon. Red vs blue. Middle America vs The Coastal Elites (that one cracks me up). The trades vs academia. You know ‘em all, I’m sure.

If you think in terms of duality, like good vs bad, and identify as “good” (HOW ELSE WOULD YOU IDENTIFY?), you immediately lump the “other” into “bad.” There is no reason to be kind to “bad.” You wouldn’t give “bad” the benefit of the doubt. You won’t try to understand “bad.” It’s bad, after all. If it wasn’t bad, it’d be good, and good is good, and you’ll be kind to good. ‘Cause you’re good.

Important note: You’re being labeled in the same way from the other side of the room.

There’s no reason to go in-depth here, but I’m going to bring it up: ECHO CHAMBERS. That’s where we’re at online, and it’s another way we outsource our thinking. We isolate ourselves with people who’ve come to the same conclusions. And we talk shit about anyone else.

This happens outside of politics, and just as often. It happens in niche hobbies (looking at you, bicycle world!), food, work places, skilled trades, income brackets, cars, and just about any other area you can think of. We simply can’t help it. 

We are so bad at this that we even apply duality thinking to our own selves much of the time. Killed it at work today? You’re a genius. Only got 7 out of 8 things checked off your to-do list? You’re a failure.

Did you know there’s a secret third thing? Or maybe an infinite number of other options? Perhaps instead of pass or fail, it’s worth trying to engage with the nuance. Maybe: “I tried pretty hard. Considering how I was feeling, and the obstacles I had to face, today was decent.”

That seems pretty reasonable. It seems realistic. I dare say it’s more sustainable in the long term, too.

We’ve gotta resist the natural tendency to deny nuance if we want to make the world, our community, and ourselves better. 

If there are only two options, you might be missing one (or a lot of ‘em).

-To fully engage with life as it is, to make meaningful progress, it’s necessary to occupy the gray areas. 

Don’t allow yourself to run on autopilot.

Don’t jump to conclusions today.

Don’t outsource your thinking.

Engage with the part you find yourself resisting.

Engage with the opposite possibility.

Engage with the nuance.

You’ll make better decisions. It’s how you learn new things.

Learning is always accompanied by discomfort and internal conflict.

And when you’re learning, you’re neither good nor bad.

You’re learning.

That’s it.

You’re further along, and you’re on the path.

You’ll never hit perfection, and you’ll never hit worthlessness.

You’re simply moving forward, and you simply are.

Is eating McDonald’s bad? What if it’s the only food you can afford? Is speeding wrong? What if you’re driving a critically wounded friend to the hospital? Is sleeping in an act of laziness? What if you worked your ass off the day before?

-Engaging with the nuance of any situation allows us to consider more options. More information leads to a better understanding of a problem, and a smarter course-correct.

If you’ve already outsourced the hard part (thinking), got a label, denied nuance, and made the easy call, there’s no reason to collect more information. How likely is it that you’ve made your best decision if you haven’t even made the decision yourself?

 Are you always gonna do what grandpa did, ‘cause that’s what your mom did too?

A pattern of success can be coincidental.

Survivorship bias clouds our thinking.

Bravely explore the gray area.

Make your own decision.

Try on a couple hats.

It helps to look for the weak spots in your own position (even if this doesn’t change your mind!). Discover the strong points of an outside perspective. Find overlap where it exists. The more open you can allow yourself to be, the more information you can gather. More information is rarely a hindrance in a tough situation. Keep in mind that not all information is true or useful.

And don’t use intel gathering as an excuse to never get started.

You’re still able to go with your original idea in the end. You might’ve been right, after all.

-YOU are nuanced. And so is everyone else. This is good news. It allows us to be more compassionate with ourselves and others.

Keep in mind that most of us have a default decision-making process for a reason: It’s less stressful that way. Life in general is stressful enough, so choosing a path of less struggle makes sense. In times of turmoil, whether long-term or temporary, it can be a survival move to take the easy route. The more that gets piled on, the fewer mental resources are left to deal with whatever pops up. We all know how that feels. Because our own lives are nuanced, we can learn to appreciate the nuance in the lives of others. This requires practice if you’re not used to it, and it will make your life better.

Did that motorist almost hit you in the crosswalk because they’re evil?

Or are they dealing with something stressful, their mind somewhere else?

Did the cook mess up your order because they’re stupid?

Or did something get lost in translation from table to server to kitchen?

The more you push away that first inclination, the better off you’ll be. Getting comfortable in that gray area of nuance offers compassion for yourself. It builds understanding and empathy for those around you. There’s very little downside to giving yourself and others the benefit of the doubt in a rough situation.

-Where in your life could you explore nuance?

See where you can find that gray area in your day. It could be in your own head, or it could be in a conversation. What other things might be true? What factors might be contributing? Where might you be wrong? Does the other person have a point?

It’s okay to sit with it a while.

Quick answers aren’t necessary.

Try giving it a shot and see what happens.

And if you find something new, let me know!

Thanks for taking the time to read. I appreciate you!
If you find value in this stuff, please share it. Shouts on social media help a lot!
I hope you have a beautiful day.
-Nate